Chapter 6

"You did what!" Carson was screaming at the top of his lungs. "Are you insane! Are you completely out of your mind! What kind of idiot are you! Jesus Christ, Kyan!"

"You don't understand."

"Oh, I understand perfectly!" Carson rambled on, raising his voice. "You are a coward! You are letting your past relationship with Jason ruin your life! That was three years ago, Kyan. Three years ago! And Thom is not Jason."

"I called you over here to give me support!" Kyan cried. "Not to bring me down."

"I will not sit here and support you to throw away the best thing that's ever happened to you. Thom, he might not have said I love you, but my God, Kyan… he practically showed you how much he does! How could you just leave him like that!"

"It went too fast. It was going too fast! I was going to get hurt!"

"You didn't even give it a chance to find out! You ended it before it even fucking started!"

Kyan's head snapped up. It was rare that Carson used that word.

"You can't live the rest of your life like this!" Carson continued. "You will die alone. You have to move on."

"I can't! I can't do it. It might sound cliched but what Jason did to me… " He swallowed his emotions.

Carson's shoulders slumped. Sympathetically he placed a hand on Kyan's leg. After a few minutes of silence, he began: "Jason hit you, didn't he?"

Kyan squeezed his hands into fists.

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Even the strongest men and women…" Carson sighed. "What a bastard."

"It only happened a few times. I got out pretty quick." He rested his elbows on his knees. "I never thought it would affect me this way."

"Even if it had only happened once, of course it was going to affect you." Carson rubbed his knee. "And don't blame yourself for what happened. There's never any reason for someone to hit you."

"I know. He just left me with so much doubt, self-loathing, fear… opening myself up and getting trampled on."

"Thom would never raise a hand to you."

Kyan shook his head. "The funny thing is I never thought about that with him. My fear comes from the emotional side. It's like I like him so much I just can't bear to be near him. Isn't that just… abnormal?"

"Just a little," Carson teased, then turned serious. "No one is perfect, Kyan. We're all messed up from one thing or another."

"Yes, but most people can overcome it."

"It's not an overnight thing. You have to work at it. I've told you about my teenage years. I was really messed up there for a while. And I didn't just wake up one day and become the person I am now. It took me years to become this obnoxious."

Kyan chuckled.

"And you know I'm here for you, but I will not let you purposely destroy your life." He leaned into Kyan, resting his forehead on the side of his face. "Don't give Jason that privilege."

"It's too late."

"Nothing is too late."

"It is, Car. You should've seen his face. I killed him."

"And you are killing yourself."

"What if he won't talk to me?"

"He can't avoid you forever."

Kyan groaned as the harsh reality of their work slammed into him.

"This time next week we'll be in Texas."

"Thom asked me to share a room with him," Kyan revealed almost saying it to himself than to Carson. "God, what did I do?"

"There's time to fix it."

Kyan turned his head, resting his cheek against Carson's. "I love you."

Carson smiled. "I love you, too."



Kyan called Thom eight times over the next forty-eight hours. By mid afternoon on Christmas Eve he swallowed his pride and called Jai, knowing he would know where Thom was. The two of them were pretty close, almost as close as he and Carson were.

"Hey, Jai. It's Kyan," he announced.

"Hi!" said Jai, happily. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you, too. How's your vacation going?"

"Great! I've been catching up with some of my old Broadway buddies. I'm leaving for the Island this evening to be with my parents." He paused. "How about you?"

"Oh, it's been pretty slow, which is a wonderful thing. My mother is coming up in the morning."

"Good, good. Are you ready for Texas?"

"Yeah, I've been doing some research on the area we'll be in."

"I need to do that," Jai lamented. "Just so I'm not so much out of my element."

"Exactly. I was actually surprised to find some good stores and excellent salons out there. I'm sure it won't be as foreign as we all think it will be." He took a deep breath. "Have you talked to any of the other guys lately?"

"Ted called me earlier to wish me a Happy Holidays. He said he was going to give everyone a call."

"Oh, that's nice of him."

"Yeah, I thought so."

Kyan cleared his throat. "And, uh, what about Thom? You guys talked at all?"

"You want to know where he is, don't you?"

"How much did he tell you?"

"Amazingly, not much. He told me the perfect night was followed by a horrific morning. When I pressed for more details, he clamed up."

"Well, that about sums it up," Kyan sighed.

"Look, it's none of my business- I know- but he's hurting now, Kyan. I think it's best if I don't tell you where he is."

"But I'm hurting too! I need to talk to him, to explain what happened. He won't return my calls. At this rate, he'll never talk to me again."

"I’m sorry, Kyan. I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone. He just wants to be left alone right now."

By this point Kyan was on the verge of tears. "You have to tell me, Jai." His voice cracking. "I have to talk to him."

"Kyan," he said, painfully. "I just don't think he wants to talk to you."

That truth pushed him over the edge, the lump in his throat breaking free. He refused to let Jai witness his breakdown. Thankfully, his call waiting cut in. Telling Jai why he had to go and thanking for him his help- along with asking him to tell Thom he need to talk to him, he quickly switched over.

"I just talked to Thom," Carson burst out.

"What! Where is he?" Kyan demanded. "I just was on the phone with Jai, and he refused to tell me---"

"He's up in Syracuse."

"Well that would make sense. It's Christmas. His parents live up there." Carson grew quiet. "God, what?"

"I shouldn't be telling you this."

"Damn, Carson, you called me! You better tell me! What is going on?"

"Alright, alright, calm down. I'm only telling you this because well, I thought you should know- but Thom only went to him because he was upset, and---"

"Who?" When his friend didn't answer right away, he stood up, ready to throw the phone across the room. "Who, Carson!"

"Michael."

"Michael. As in, his ex-boyfriend Michael?" Kyan had to sit back down before he fainted.

"Okay, don't freak out."

"Don't freak out? Carson! I drove him back to the man who he's always claimed was the love of his life."

"Oh my god, you are being such a damn queen." Carson groaned. "First off, Thom never said Michael was the love of his life. Remember Thom was the one that broke up with him."

"What difference does that make? I'm crazy about the man and look what I've done to it!"

"Yes, but Thom is not psychotic like you are. Now… second, they are friends… they are best friends. We all know this. And third, Thom is in love with you!"

"You have to stop saying that," Kyan warned.

"Okay, okay… and third, Thom wants to screw just you." He paused. "There- is that better?"

"You make me tired."

"Can I please finish?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"No, now shut up. Okay, so I'm sitting here wrapping my sister's present. I got her this great outfit at Saks. It's this sued---"

"Carson!"

"Oh, sorry… where was I?"

"Wrapping gifts."

"Oh, yeah... I was wrapping my sister's present when the phone rings."

"Wow, I'm hanging on the edge of my seat here."

Carson ran over his words and continued. "And I pick it up, thinking it's probably you moping again. Except it isn't you, it's Thom, sounding horrible I might add. Anyway, he says he's calling to wish me a Merry Christmas, but of course we both knew what he really wanted to talk about."

"Will you get on with it!"

"Alright, alright, geez. Anyway, we start talking about you, and well, the conversation didn't go all that well come to think of it…."

"I don't believe this…" Kyan muttered.

"But the silver lining is that he was talking about you. He obviously is thinking of you."

"Yeah, he's thinking of me so much, he's screwing his ex-boyfriend."

"I'm convinced that Thom told me he was with Michael because he knew that I would tell you to make you jealous. I mean why else would he tell me something like that? He knows I can't keep my damn mouth shut about stuff like this."

"I'm not--"

"And don't you go denying it!" Carson bellowed. "You are so jealous you can't even see straight."

"What do I care, Carson? I messed up- royally- and now I've lost him!"

"Why don't you try calling his cell? I bet he'll answer." He heard Kyan's breath quiver. "Sweetie…"

"No, I'm not going to call him," Kyan said, quietly. "He knows where I am. He knows how many times I've called him the past two days. It's time to throw in the towel."

"But---"

"I'll see him on Sunday, Car. He can't avoid me then."

"Yeah, I guess," he said. "Are you going to be alright?"

"I'll be fine. I'm exhausted. What I really need to do is get some sleep. Then maybe my brain will clear, and I'll be able to think rationally."

"Okay," Carson said, not pressing the issue. He could hear it in Kyan's voice that he had given up the battle- at least for the time being. "I'll call you tomorrow night. You are still going to come shopping with me on Friday, aren't you?"

"I wouldn't miss it."

"Good! And we can get you a facial or a massage or whatever it is your little heart desires."

"Thom…" Kyan thought. "I just want Thom."

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