Chapter 20

"You look fabulous!" Carson declared as Kyan made his way down to the riverbank where Carson and Ted had been stationed for the last hour.

"You look…" Ted studied him. "I can't place my finger on it."

"Thom came to my door," he explained. "Jai pulled him away before…" He waved his hand. "It doesn't matter. I just want to get this over with- the tension is killing me."

Carson put his hand on his shoulder and squeezed lightly. He still managed to have an upbeat attitude as he coaxed Kyan to look at their masterpiece.

"It's beautiful," Kyan said. "You guys… " He pressed his lips together.

"Now don't start crying!" Ted lectured.

"I just want this to happen so bad."

"Ah, darling," Carson said, hugging him.

"You have to stay nearby," Kyan said. "Because if this goes bad, I don't think I'll be able to- I'll need you guys here."

"Of course," said Ted. "We won't be far."

Carson nodded as he pulled away. "You can count on us."

"Oh!" Ted exclaimed, jumping a little. "Jai is buzzing me." He grabbed his vibrating cell out of his back pocket.

"That means they are on their way!" Kyan panicked.

Carson reached over and plucked a rose from the bouquet of flowers. "Be strong. Don't be scared! You go get him and tell him that you love him."

"Oh, yeah, it's that easy," Kyan breathed, helplessly. "You guys, don’t leave."

"We have to," Ted said, hugging him. "You'll do wonderfully."

"We'll be close by," Carson promised, handing him the flower and kissing his cheek. "Just keep breathing."

As Ted and Carson walked away, Kyan felt his entire body go numb. His stomach was one big knot, and his heart was pounding rapidly. He swore he could hear his knees knocking together in pure adrenaline fear. He clutched the rose in both hands, after wiping his palms that seemed to be coated in sweat, and licked his lips. His eyes focused on the path that led up towards the hotel. As soon as he didn't think he could take much more waiting, he saw Jai and Thom come into view.

"Breathe, breathe, breathe," he coached himself.

Jai, since he knew Kyan would be there, saw him immediately. Thom, on the other hand, was looking down on the ground. His hands were shoved in his pockets, and his walk was slightly sluggish.

"Which way do you think we should go?" Kyan heard Jai ask.

Thom popped his head up. At first his eyes didn't comprehend what was in front of them, but when it all came into view, he stopped in mid-step.

Jai watched as Thom took in the sight.

The sun was just starting to set behind the river, casting reds, oranges, and purples into the sky. Kyan stood in front of the table that had been covered in a white, linen tablecloth and had been decorated with a large bouquet of flowers, two tall white, lit candles, and huge picnic basket with a bottle of white wine perched at the end.

Smiling at Kyan, Jai soundlessly skirted away from Thom and rushed over the bend, leaving the two men alone.

"Wh--" Thom turned to address Jai, but found nothing. He spun around, looking frantically for his friend.

Kyan didn't say anything. He waited until Thom realized he had been set up, then turned to face him.

"What…" Thom swallowed. "What's this all about?"

Kyan held out the rose. "This is for you."

"What makes you think I'll take it?"

His worst nightmare was starting to materialize in front of his eyes. "You… you want to talk to me, don't you?"

"I have questions, yes," Thom answered.

Kyan took a step forward. Thom countered and took a step back. The knot in Kyan's stomach tightened.

"I'm sorry," Kyan fought.

Thom shook his head a little. "You are always sorry, Kyan. How many more times do you have to be sorry? How many more times do we have to do this?"

Kyan was glad Thom hadn't taken the rose yet. It was giving him something to hold onto. "Never again," he answered, quietly.

"I don't believe you."

The response was to be expected. He pushed back his tears and plowed ahead. "Please, I'm asking you to sit down with me. I need to talk to you…"

"Oh, God," Thom moaned. "Those words! Those horrible words!" He twisted his hands together. "Why are you going through all this just to tell me you don't want to be with me? Just leave it at leaving me this morning and be through! You are killing me!"

Kyan watched as Thom was unable to fight back his tears.

"Damn it," Thom grumbled, pressing his fingers under his eyes. "I don’t want to cry in front of you. I don't want to give you the satisfaction of seeing me hurt."

"This… Thom, this gives me no satisfaction! I hate seeing you hurt."

Thom snorted. "That's great, Kyan. If that's so true, then why in God's name did you leave this morning? What did I do that was so wrong last night?" He dropped his hands. "I did everything you asked me to, didn't I? I took care of you. I nurtured you. I loved you!"

Kyan felt his body rack with sudden sobs.

"I loved you with all my heart and soul," Thom said, only bring his hands up to his face to wipe away the tears that were dripping off his chin. "What else was I supposed to give you that I didn't?"

When Kyan didn't answer, Thom marched directly up to him.

"Tell me, Kyan!" he said. "What did I do! What didn't I do! Tell me how to love you!"

Before Thom could conceive of what was happening, Kyan's lips were pressed against his. He put his hands on Kyan's chest to keep the man from moving closer to him. Kyan wouldn't let go, wrapping one arm around Thom's shoulder and kissing him desperately.

Thom struggled to free himself, but was captivated by the way Kyan was holding his ground. His resistance started to fall. Kyan was not giving up, and it sent his heart to flutter. Leaning in, he opened his mouth and let Kyan covet his desire. The hands that were grasping at Kyan's shirt snaked around his waist. Their tongues met in a hasty rush as if each one was scared the other would let go all too soon.

It was like they had never kissed before- tasting each other violently, sensually, lovingly. Their chests, pressed together, heaved in unison. A low moan filtered through their caressing lips. A sense of coming home, of never felt familiarity surrounded them.

"Do you love me?" Kyan asked, opening his eyes slowly.

"Yes," Thom whispered.

Kyan kissed him again, sipping at him gingerly until joining them in overwhelming passion.

"I can't…" Thom gasped, pulling away.

"Tho--"

"No," he said, once again pushing Kyan away from him. "I won't let you."

"But…."

"Don't, Kyan. Just let me go."

Kyan grabbed Thom's arm as he slid it from around his waist. "I'm not going to let you go!"

"I won't get hurt again!" Thom said, forcefully. "And that's what I'll be doing if I… Why do you keep doing this to me?" He twisted his arm in Kyan's grasp. "Why!"

"I was scared," Kyan cried, refusing to let go.

"You are too scared of everything! I can't live like that, thinking that everyday you might leave again. That's not fair to me, Kyan."

He swallowed. "You're right. It isn't fair to you."

"Then let me go!" Thom pleaded.

"You have to listen to me!"

"No, I don't!" Thom exclaimed. "I just don't want to cry anymore! I should've never…."

Kyan saw a regretted look in his eyes, and his stomach lurched into his throat. "What? You should've never what?"

"Nothing," Thom moaned. "Please, Kyan…"

"Gone out with me? Made love to me? Fallen in love with me?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?"

Thom doubled over. "It hurts so bad. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don't want to."

Kyan took a gasping, choking breath as he took in what he had done to the man that he loved.

"I love you so much," Thom sobbed. "But I can't do this. I can't keep thinking that you'll love me; that you'll stop being so afraid." He shook his head. "That's not what love is. Not to me."

"Give me a chance to talk to you," Kyan begged. "I have so many things to say."

Thom ran the back of his hand under his nose. "Why? Why should I?"

Kyan reached down and cupped Thom's chin. Slowly, he tilted Thom's head back so he was looking directly at him. He couldn't hear anything around him, except for the pounding of his heart.

"Because…" He licked his lips. "Because I love you, Thom."

Earth seemed to come to a screeching halt. Kyan felt like his entire life had been sucked out of him as he waited for some reaction. He couldn't get his lungs to work, nor could he stop his knees from buckling. Just as he started to sway, Thom stumbled and straightened his body. Their eyes never lost contact.

"Don't say things you don't mean just to keep me from walking away," Thom breathed. "You can't play with my emotions like this."

"I'm not playing." The rose that was in his hand fluttered to the ground as he grasped Thom. "When I… woke up this morning and I was still in your arms, I couldn't believe how much I denied myself my true feelings."

"Kyan…" he groaned.

"And so, that made me angry- that I didn't tell you last night that I love you when you were so…" He stepped closer to Thom and moved his hand from his chin to his cheek, caressing the soft skin. "You were so gentle, warm, and loving. The way you touched me and held me. You didn't pressure me. You did everything right." He swallowed. "And I did everything wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong…"

"I thought I was going to lose you because… I was too scared to tell you I love you. And when that fear of being without you- it became so overwhelming. I wanted to wake you up---"

"Why didn't you!" Thom insisted.

"You looked so peaceful. And I didn't want to burden you…"

"You can never burden me," Thom whispered.

"I know, but sometimes I do. I can't help feel that way- not only to you but my friends and family."

Thom took Kyan's hand and brought it to his lips, kissing him softly. "That's why you left, isn't it? You felt like you were being a burden."

He nodded. "I'm so sorry," he cried. "I didn't… I wanted to…"

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Thom soothed. "Come on-" He led him over to the table. "Sit down."

Kyan collapsed onto the bench. Refusing to let go of his hand, Thom skirted around to the other side and sat facing him. His fingertips lightly stroked Kyan's skin.

"Talk to me," Thom whispered.

He gasped for breath between his tears. "It sounds… I feel so stupid."

"You are not stupid," Thom assured him. "How you feel is not stupid."

Kyan squeezed his eyes shut, letting a river of tears cascade down his cheeks. "I was so scared I had lost you," he quivered. "I didn't think just telling you would be enough. So, I got up and took your extra room key." He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out the plastic card.

"I didn't even realize it was gone," Thom breathed. "Maybe if I had…"

"This isn't your fault," Kyan stated. "For some reason I thought I'd be back before you woke up, because never, ever did I want you to wake up alone, to have you think that I had left you." He sniffed. "I was so enthralled on finding the perfect way to tell you how I felt that I… When Jai started calling me, I had no idea what was going on. I was on the phone trying to set all this up, talking to the hotel, shopping- that sort of thing."

"Ky," Thom sighed. "Why you felt you had to---"

"I don't know! I just knew if I did you would know how I felt about you! I wanted to make it special and desperately wanted to make you happy. Then I talked to Carson, and oh my god, my entire world came crashing down."

"As did mine when I woke up and you weren't next to me," Thom said, quietly.

"I'm so sorry," he said again. "Please don't…" He pressed his lips together. "I love you, and I don't want to lose you over this…"

Thom squeezed his hand. "Look at me," he coaxed.

He raised his eyelashes.

"You aren't going to lose me," he said.

"How can you say that when I've hurt you so bad."

Thom leaned back. "Yes, you have."

The truth made Kyan wince.

"When I realized you weren't with me this morning, I… Christ, I can't even explain it. My insides felt as if they were wilting away, and I was in pain- in physical pain because I had given you my heart, something I hadn't done in years, and you destroyed it." He shuddered. "I spent the whole day wondering what I had done and why you left." His bottom lip began to quiver. "And I couldn't bring myself to think of my life without you! It's only been months since we've met, but my god, Kyan, I tried to remember my life before I saw you sitting in that conference room, I couldn't do it! The idea that you haven't always been with me- and that you might never be with me- my entire body would just shut down. I wouldn't feel a thing."

"I don't know what to say," Kyan answered after a few seconds of silence. "I never meant to… I hate that I made you feel that way. How could I make someone I love so much hate me so bad!"

"I don't hate you!" Thom stressed. "I’m angry at you for not trusting me! For not trusting yourself! For having such little faith on my feelings for you. For thinking you are burden! I want to be here for you, Kyan, and I can't when you do this kind of thing. I want to be able to trust that when we go to sleep at night you'll be there in the morning; that when you leave the house, you'll come back. I want to believe you when you say you love me."

"You don't believe me?" he asked, slowly.

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to! I'm not using a line on you, you know!" Kyan stated. "I haven't said it to another man in years, Thom! Years!"

"Neither have I!" Thom shot back. "I just told you that! I haven't felt this way about anyone since… well, anyone!"

"Not even Michael?"

"For the love of God… "

"Tell me the truth."

"You are so insecure and so damn blind!" He yanked on Kyan's hand. "Don't you get it? You are everything to me! You are the reason I get up in the morning! You put the smiles on my face! You make me feel so alive- even when we are screaming at each other! We've known each other for less than a year. We've been dating for half a second. But I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Kyan! And yes, I'm scared to death you will hurt me, but to have you… I need to take that risk. I don't want anyone else. I want you." He paused. "I love you!"

Kyan swallowed. "How do you… what do you want me to say to that?"

"How about that you feel the same way?" There were tears glistening in his eyes. "That you want me as much as I want you."

"If I say it will you believe it?"

Thom cocked his eyebrow. "Will you believe it?"

Kyan's lips twitch into a crooked smile. He reached into the picnic basket, pulling out the watch. "I bought this for you this morning," he said, prying his hand away from Thom's to present him with the gift. "I want you to know that I bought it before I knew you completely hated me."

"Christ, I don't hate you," Thom sighed, tiredly, taking the box.

Kyan watched in anticipation as he opened the hinged lid.

"Oh my God!" Thom's face went from confusion to realization before melting into pure shock. He glanced at Kyan. "What in the world… why did you… Oh my god!"

"Look on the back," Kyan insisted, softly.

Taking the expensive jewelry out of its case, Thom delicately turned it over, bringing it toward the candle so the flame would flicker against the curved writing.

Licking his lips, he began to read: "Love is more than the entanglement of two hearts, it is the entwining of two lives… Forever. Never doubt I love you." His voice cracked as his emotions peaked.

Kyan reached over and touched Thom's hand lightly. They were smooth, soft and beautiful against the candlelight. Thom closed his eyes, letting the tears escape down his cheeks- reveling in Kyan's touch.

"I don't want anyone else." Kyan's voice washed over him until he shuddered in delight. "I want you." He pushed his body off his seat and leaned over the table, kissing Thom gently. "I love you."

Thom lifted his head up slightly, finding Kyan's lips beneath his eyelids and kissing him deeply.

"Do you like the watch?" Kyan breathed as they pulled apart.

"It's unbelievable," he muttered, then dipping his tongue into Kyan's open mouth. "It's… You're breathtaking."

Their lips brushed against each other.

"Are you hungry?" Kyan asked as Thom nibbled seductively on his bottom lip.

"For…"

He smiled. "Food."

"You…"

They kissed again. Thom's hand cupped the back of Kyan's head, and he pulled him closer to him. The table teetered at the weight.

"Later," Kyan panted, tilting his head to the side.

"Promise?" Thom growled in his ear.

Kyan's body was consumed in shivers, and his eyes fluttered. He licked his lips, desperate to find oxygen. His physical reaction was promise enough.

"I love you," Thom muttered. "I love you so much."

They pressed their lips together one last time before Kyan collapsed back onto the wooden bench. Taking the watch, he slipped it on Thom's wrist, then kissed the back of his hand.

"What's for dinner?" Thom asked once the sexual tension dissolved into the darkening sky.

"Well, first we are starting off with a walnut and cranberry salad followed by a mussels vinaigrette." He was pulling out the contents of the basket as he spoke. "And for dessert… chocolate covered strawberries."

"Sounds… delightful."

Kyan couldn't help but snort in laughter. "Delightful? God, that is so gay."

"What do you want from me?" Thom asked, opening the wine. "I am gay."

"You don't say. I would've never guessed."

"It's shocking, I know." Thom placed the cork on the table and diligently poured each of them a glass, while Kyan arranged the plates and serving dishes. "I'm so incredibly---"

"Delicious. Hot. Sexy. Gorgeous." Kyan looked up at him. "But that's my opinion."

Thom crossed his arms and leaned over the table a little. "I like your opinion."

"You are also quite cute when you look at me like that." He dished out a healthy serving of salad onto Thom's plate, then proceed to his own.

"Look at you like what?"

"Innocent."

"Honey, what I'm thinking right now is far from innocent."

Kyan smiled coyly, producing a forkful of greens. Thom didn't take his eyes off Kyan's as he devoured the offering. His tongue jutted out to collect the sweet dressing that lingered on his lips.

"Are you suggesting we skip dinner?" Kyan asked.

"No, because you'll need your strength later."

"Good lord," he groaned, providing Thom with another bite. "Now it's just getting raunchy."

Thom chewed as he gathered some salad on his fork. He held it out to Kyan, who wrapped his lips around the utensils then pulled it out of his mouth slowly.

"I plan on making love to you all night," Thom said, dropping his voice so it sounded even more raspy than normal.

Kyan shook his head.

"Disagreeing with me?" he asked, opening the container that held the mussels.

Kyan swallowed just in time to take the marinated shellfish. The sweet juice dribbled down his chin. He wished they could've had oysters, but they weren't the most applicable food for a picnic.

"Good?" Thom asked, holding another mussels out for him.

"Excellent," he sighed. "Except one thing."

"What's that?" He let Kyan take the mussel from him to feed it to him instead.

Kyan took Thom's hand and seductively ran his tongue over each finger, cleaning them of the vinaigrette before speaking: "I want to be inside you." He kissed his fingertips. "Tonight, I want to make love to you for the first time."

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