I wonder sometimes why things are the way they are. Why I feel
the way I feel. Why everyone else is happy, when I'm not.
Oh, they think I'm happy. They think I'm the belle of the ball. I've always got
a witty comment just waiting to be let out. Situation getting boring? Carson can
liven it up! Atmosphere getting stale? Where's the goofy blonde? Can't think of
anything to say? Bring in the flamer!
And I'm okay with that. People need to have a fail-safe for when things get
slow. Every court needs a jester. That's the role I've chosen.
But...lately it's been a strain to keep myself going. To keep up the pretense
they know and love. The other day Jai asked if I was all right. He said I seemed
different somehow. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I wasn't different
at all; what he saw was real...what he expected to see was fake.
Fake, fake, fake.
I don't understand why this is so difficult. I've kept my persona around me for
years; why would I have trouble now, of all times? Now, when I need it so badly.
Every day they need Carson. Every day I have to push the true me farther and
farther down inside myself. I'm afraid that one day I'll lose myself. That I
won't be able to drag the real me back up. That I'll be Carson forever...and
I'll never be me again.
But that would be a good thing, right? Everybody loves Carson! He makes people
happy. He's always cheerful and exciting. Nobody wants to deal with a gloomy
Fashion Savant. Wouldn't it just be better if I went away and let Carson handle
things?
Sometimes I think so. Other times...I just want to be me. I want my friends to
know me, not Carson. I want... But then I see them, so happy... They joke with
each other and laugh...talk about their families, their pets. They gossip about
the latest fling they had, the weekend trip to the spa -- that one with the hot
masseuse. Sometimes I even join in.
But I don't feel it. I don't feel my face light up like Jai's when he tells us
how Nemo crawls into grocery bags when he wants to sleep. I don't feel my smile
sparkle like Kyan's when he makes a joke about the straight guys. I don't feel
my eyes don't soften like Ted's when we ask about his and Barry's anniversary.
Why don't I feel it?
I have a successful career; I did even before the show. I have friends. I go to
parties. I have a loving family, and I don't have any major illnesses. What's
wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy?!
I don't know. I asked my pastor if it was wrong to be unhappy. He said I should
be grateful for what I have. I guess he's right.
Today Thom wanted to know if I was feeling okay. I wonder if he's been talking
to Jai.
I wanted to tell him... I could tell he wanted me to tell him. But then Kyan
called him into the bathroom; I could hear them both laughing.
Thom came back a few seconds later, but by then I had collected myself. Brought
myself back to reality. I knew I couldn't do it. Couldn't let him know. He'd be
so upset... I can't ruin this for him. Can't ruin this for any of them.
So I laughed at him and made some inane comment about still feeling last night's
party. He laughed with me, relieved, and was quickly dragged away by Jai to mock
the straight guy's porn collection. Everything was normal again.
And I was normal again. Carson was back, firmly wrapped around me, a buffer
between me and the world. I'll continue to smile. I'll make jokes. I'll flame
all they want me to. I'll stick to Carson's role, while they remain cheerfully
ignorant of me. They will be happy, just like I've always wanted.
So why does it hurt so much?
End